Day 28 of 30DR: Progress?

Here's something I noticed today: crappy dog incidents seem to correlate with the tidiness of my house.

When my house is a mess, it's usually because I'm immersed in something else and neglecting it. Like for the past 2 weeks I've been starting school--especially the last seven days.

I haven't been blogging with behavior observations because for the last week or so I've been mostly just getting through each day. The dogs continue to be separated by baby gates. I've kept up most of the 30DR: feeding them twice a day in different locations, requiring them to sit before anything good, restricting them from furniture, crating them at bedtime.

What I haven't done *consistently* the last week: regular training sessions each day, 30-minute settles (in the 'down' position) for each dog each day, morning walks.

I've done most of those things much of the time but some days I did slip.

Something good I've done: taking them individually to a neighbor-friend's house to play with a pug-doxie mix. Both dogs have been doing really well with that dog. It's a joy to see.

This morning I took Petunia to play with the pug but there wasn't time to take Buddy afterwards. Instead of taking Buddy for the walk (he'd been waiting for it, knowing it was his turn, watching for us out the window as we returned) I put them both in their crates so I could make it to church. I came home from church, let each dog into the yard, then put them in their gated areas: this time P got the back of the house (kitchen, bedroom, my dining table/workspace, B got the front of the house: living room, upstairs guest rooms.

As I made myself some tea I heard what sounded like thunder--or a dog bouncing off furniture upstairs. As I climbed over the gate into the front of the house B was speeding downstairs and into the corner of the living room. Guilty of something for sure. Upstairs I discovered that he'd pooped all over the guestroom floor. Everywhere.

So I clean it up and make no eye contact with him and think to myself that this is because he needs exercise (and more discipline?) but meanwhile how do I respond?

I could crate him but I don't want the crate to be punishment. So right now he's on a down-settle, I haven't made eye contact at all--just put the collar around him and led him to the floor at my feet--and he's resting on my right foot and that makes me happy but I guess I need to move it in case it's somehow a dominance thing. Lord.

. . .

OK so after sitting like that for a half hour I told him to stay while I went into the kitchen to pour more tea. I returned to the living room and he hadn't budged. I didn't say 'Good Dog' but instead just returned to my spot on the sofa with my foot on the leash.

But throughout all this I'm still wondering if he 'won' because I'm giving him a form of attention (by ignoring him on a settle I'm still here with him on his side of the house) that constitutes a reward for his bad behavior upstairs.

Meanwhile, Petunia is on a dog bed on the floor, growling occasionally at the noises outside. I can see her through the fireplace.

. . .

While I'm sitting here, some additional updates:

* Yesterday when Buddy and I were outside I heard jangling and Petunia had pushed aside an improvised barrier to join us outdoors. I immediately led them back into the house and calmly separated them and during this process it seemed clear that they knew they weren't supposed to be together. Neither dog really greeted or approached the other. I think I led B back to the house first, perhaps because he was closer to the door. Buddy didn't seem to acknowledge P much and just went inside and took his position on the front side of the house. P did pretty much the same thing.

* Friday morning I was exhausted from my late-night class and allowed myself to sleep in later than usual. I let each dog outside then gated P in the room with me and climbed back into bed. She jumped up on the bed. I sent her off. A little while later I switched dog positions; B was with me in the room. He also jumped on the bed. I was half asleep and used that as my excuse for allowing him to remain on the bed a few minutes. I realized I was being inconsistent and wrong. But I *so* miss having the dogs near me. I got up within a few minutes so that i wouldn't fall asleep with him there, making myself an even worse dog-leader. That's the only instance of my breaking the bed rule, though, for nearly 30 days.

* I'm continuing to use the Gentle Leader with B. P continues to flee when I approach her with it. I've managed to set the neck-size for her but the snout-adjustment is trickier. It takes both hands and a calm dog in a sit position (not under the bed). I'll keep at it because I think it would be a good thing for her. She doesn't always pull on walks but does sometimes, especially with my mother. Also, from a leadership standpoint I think I ought to be able to require her to wear a head collar occasionally.

More exciting news:

I'm in the middle of a transition to Canidae dog food. The food-recall really pissed me off. We've been Nutro customers since I adopted each dog, and although the dry Nutro we use wasn't one of the recalled products the moist Nutro products were recalled. I had trusted Nutro with the health of my dogs. I did a lot of research and was confident the product was manufactured in North America and met exceptionally high standards. Standards, schmandards. They outsourced part of their production to China; standards were compromised; dogs died. Nutro has lost my business. Period.

Two DVDs arrived yesterday: the first two seasons of The Dog Whisperer. So far as I can tell none of the episodes is really about my scenario: two dogs living in the same house and not getting along with each other. The closest I've seen so far is the "Cinnamon and Chocolate" episode but that's really focused on the behavior of just one of the dogs (Cinnamon, "the rescue dog"--and BTW it irritates me the way the owners seem to attribute the dog's behavior problems totally to the fact that he's a rescue dog rather than a breeder-purchased dog). The DW doesn't really deal with the dynamic of both dogs. Don't get me wrong: I do see myself in the mopey-looking mother and daughter of that episode--they seem so weak and wimpy and I dunno just hideously squooshy. But I was hoping to see more about handling two dogs that have to be separated and simultaneously trained to repair their relationship.

The episodes in which the DW brings his pack animals into the picture are not helpful to me because I don't have a DW-approved pack to train my dogs to be dogs. Thank God for the neighbor's pug, that's all I can say.

. . .

So looking ahead:

The 30-day period of the 30DR is nearly over but we've really only just begun. Partly because I didn't do all the things I said I'd do:

* I still haven't acclimated either dog to a muzzle. (The P-muzzle-scenario is seeming less like a good idea now that I'm reminded of how traumatized she gets about things on her body--she's been so calm around B, even yesterday she came outside and didn't shrink away from him. If you knew nothing about their history you'd never guess a problem existed between the two. But of course that was true of them before the 30DR also: half the time they'd seem fine; half the time P would be hiding under furniture.)

* I haven't established a real walking routine for us.

* I haven't maintained the bicycling routine either. (I started the practice of reserving a kayak for myself at the boathouse after heinous meetings as a way to get myself off campus and into a calm state of mind before going home those days. I need the *reservation* part of the exercise because otherwise I'm likely to just return home and get distracted and neglect the exercise. The reservation gives me accountability.)

* I haven't done enough daily training sessions. Not nearly enough.

* I haven't kept my house tidy, which I think is something that needs to be part of this. Neglecting that part of my life seems to be a manifestation of other weaknesses. I'm not saying it's a cause-effect relationship but I do believe that changing more of my external behaviors will help me become stronger inside.

* I stopped using the daily checklist, which wasn't part of the first trainer's requirement but did help me discipline myself.

OK, so now what? Well, 30 Days Has September so I'm thinking it's time to regroup and start another 30DR, modified according to what I've learned from the first 30DR and the trainers who helped me, and the realities of my life.

I'll call it C2C and base it on the Click to Calm approach assigned by the new trainer. In a nutshell, here's that approach:

* Continue the basic rules established in 30DR.

* Enroll Buddy in the October Canine Good Citizens class.

* Make a daily walk a non-negotiable commitment to EACH dog.

* Use the training worksheets given me by the new trainer, using the clicker as part of the reinforcement.

* Teach each dog a new trick this month. Something that will really work their brains.

After watching DW I'm also thinking I should do something with each dog that reinforces my leadership role, like getting Buddy into the swimming pool with me and like getting Petunia to wear her Gentle Leader.

Day 18 of 30DR: Muddling Through

I purchased Gentle-Leaders for both dogs. B-dog is always much better about tolerating new "gear" so I've been working with him first. Because this is a head-bound collar I'm hoping it might ease the transition into muzzle-wear. Also, of course, I'm hoping this lead will help me train both dogs to stop pulling the lead as we walk.

Both dogs are pullers, despite lots of training (never as much training as is humanly possible but still enough training that we ought to do better) as well as experiments with the Illusion Collar and shoulder-leads in addition to the slip-collars we used in obedience classes.

The Gentle Leader is recommended training gear in the Click to Calm book we're doing with the new trainers.

I'm trying to calm myself with the idea that I can focus on one thing at a time and measure some progress in that way instead of yearning for a miracle. But of course I'm still tense and worried.

Meanwhile, today I learned a couple of things:

B-Dog:
* Buddy really doesn't like the Gentle Leader but is putting up with it while attempting to periodically scoot it off his snout. I was going to trade his buff-colored leader for a black one so that people wouldn't think it's a muzzle (my neighbor saw it and immediately said, "Don't bit me, dog" and warned his little boy to stay away--I'm pretty sure this was all about the lead because he knows nothing about B-dog's situation and, for crying out loud, his dog is the one that actually killed a small dog down the street last year--Sheesh!). Anyhoo, I'd read about that reaction to the Gentle Leader because people freak out when they see dogs in what appear to be muzzles (Lord, they should see the real thing!). But I decided I'm going to keep the buff-colored one on B-dog because I need to be able to see whether it's slipping or loosening from his head, especially if we go for long-distance walks. If he wears black I may miss seeing it slacken. (Yes, if you put it on properly it's not supposed to slip but B-dog is Houdini and a little sneaky about these things.)

* During our walk a couple of very friendly humans (neighbors with rescue dogs of their own) approached B to say hello. The man was intimidating--big and hunched over--so I told him we're working on our socialization, etc. He insisted on petting B (you know, I've had this happen before: men say, "It's OK, I'm a dog person" and keep approaching even though--as in this instance--the dog's ears are back. B was looking wary but not growling or anything. I didn't want to alarm him by pulling him back so I said something like, "Well, thanks for saying hello but his ears are back so we're going to have to see you later" in as friendly a voice as I could muster.

This in-between world is so tough. If I'm going to use the label what I have right now is a couple of fear-aggressive dogs. And I'm trying to socialize them in a way that's safe for them and for those with whom they interact. And in a way that doesn't give me an ulcer (or worse).

* P-Dog:
Petunia is going to require lots of baby steps. She can read me like a book and can tell when I'm about to have her do something she doesn't like. She immediately goes to her crate or crawls under the bed. So tonight I managed to get the collar-part around her neck once, adjust it, but not try it again. (The Gentle Leader DVD suggests not to push dogs into the collar but instead to use lots of short sessions with extra-good treats.) Tomorrow I'll attach the leash to the leader before trying it on her because I think she's more likely to compromise and try the thing on if she knows it's related to going for a walk.

* Right now P is lying on her side, the dearest little bundle of fluff. Reminds of me of when she was a puppy. It breaks my heart to think that I could be endangering her by keeping B with us. I'm terrified of that. Even though there's been zero visible aggression between the two since the episode during the training session (at least zero noticeable to me). I continue to keep them separated by baby gates. But I'm still so worried about getting this wrong.

Day 15 of 30DR: Rebellion

After my previous posting I decided I needed a brief rebellion: so I petted P again when she approached me near the sofa and then I drove both dogs to the lake and Mom and I walked them on (*gasp*) flexi-leads with no heel-ing or clicking.

At the end of that B-dog resisted going into his car-crate (for the first time ever). Lord: now I'm reading everything into that though praying not to. So I put him to bed in his at-home crate when we returned.

P hid beneath the guestroom bed upstairs while Mom and I stayed up late talking. But she's in her bedroom crate now and came into the bedroom voluntarily and didn't resist getting into her own crate.

The trainers said I should put their crates in separate rooms. I haven't figured out how to do that yet. I feel like P needs to sleep closest to me but it breaks my heart to "banish" B to another room and, if I do, I'm not sure where his big crate will fit. So for now I just moved the crates on either side of my bed instead of beside one another.

I feel like I'm getting an ulcer.

But it was good to get outside tonight and I've asked my mother to help me ignore work long enough in the morning to get on my bike.

I've also decided I may need to take anti-anxiety meds for a while.

I Don't Know How to Be with My Dogs

The trainers last night told me it's unhealthy to let my dog sit in my lap for a couple hours while I read. They said that means I'm petting her too much. She probably doesn't like it. And if she seems to like it (i.e., if I'm sitting and reading and she jumps up to sit on my lap while I read) then it's because I've created a co-dependent dog.

Of course, for over two weeks now there's been no sitting and reading with dogs on my chair or lap or ottoman or beside me on the sofa. My most blessed moments, my most tranquil and pleasant moments, are those when I sit with a dog or with both dogs and read. The trainers said I can never have a dog on either side of me on the sofa again because as I'm reading they could be passing negative eye contact and suddenly get into a fight with me in the middle. They told me about a woman's husband whose face was maimed by a terrier sleeping on his pillow. They talked about plastic surgery only partially reconstructing a ruined face resulting from bad dog-location decisions. So no more doggie "book-ends" for me. And for at least six weeks no more single dog beside me anywhere. And no more calling it "my great joy" to have the dogs so near me because that means I'm making the dogs too important. I need to find other things that matter, they said. They said I need to do more things that aren't with the dogs. I said I do plenty of other things.

What I love most, though, is my quiet time with the dogs. And now I don't have that. Not really.

For over two weeks I've been trying to seem authoritative, in charge, calm, structured . . . I've given praise only for obedience to the tasks in the 30DR. I've done "settle" and I've played but it's all been very structured, measured, calibrated.

This is not who I am.

I can't live like this forever. I'm paranoid about giving my dogs too much affection, about giving them the wrong kinds of reinforcement.

I'm so tense I could crack.

* * *

As I read what I wrote I find myself thinking that the solution, for me, must be to decide what I want most--what I'm not willing to compromise--and then to assert myself to make it happen. Isn't that calm-asserting leadership?

Right now my irony is performing the role of "leader" in a way that's tearing me apart, making me feel brittle, even self-destructive sometimes. I'm trying to trust experts to tell me what's right. And I have great confidence in the principle that I've been a weak leader and that's the root of the problem. But I need to redefine what me-as-leader means. I'm not going to transform into Cesar Millan. And I'm not going to become that semi-friend/bully at work who is so great with dogs but pushes me around (making me feel, perhaps, the way B makes P feel: herded and intruded upon).

I need to figure out what I can realistically become without losing who I am. Somehow that means sloughing off or excising the abused little girl who believes she deserves all manner of criticism, who can't possibly be good enough as she is. Somehow I've got to figure out where my strength is and how to build that as my foundation for leadership. Compassion, perhaps.

* * *

So I write myself into tears. And I leave the room so my dogs won't know I'm weakened and crying. And P-dog comes into the bedroom immediately and approaches me as I sit on the floor. And she sniffs my tears and nudges me to pet her and I give myself permission to break all the rules and pet her--without waiting 30 seconds, without making her sit first, without clicking her for not nudging me to pet her. I just pet her. And my first thought is, "I feel like a pedophile. I've snuck off into a corner and I'm hiding from the dog trainers and secretly petting my dog." And my next thought is complete disgust with a situation that has left me feeling ashamed of sharing a fundamental moment of comfort with my dog, who knows I'm hurting, who always knows what I'm feeling, and who knows I need comfort.

This is where I am. It feels so wrong to be here.